Love in Times of Covid-19

“No winter lasts forever; no spring skips its turn.” - Hal Borland

It's Sunday. Again. It's not really Sunday, but for the past month, every day feels like Sunday. The streets are empty, everyone is home. And it's raining again. Like I'm not already depressed enough that I have to listen to the small droplets chattering on my window. I feel like I live the same day over and over again. Everything that is happening to me today also happened yesterday, and the day before, and most likely it will happen tomorrow. I'm starting to forget ... the heat of the sun, the sound of the waves, what was it like to be hugged, to hurry, to wait eagerly for your order in the restaurant, to push everyone in the crowded subway, to be on the dance floor all night, to be free... I try to remember what was it like before, but it seems so long ago. And before was only a few weeks ago.

When all this horror began, I, like everyone else, did not take things seriously. For me, it was just a flu that was going to go away quickly, and I didn't understand what all this hysteria was about. The moment I realized that things were serious was when I went to the local supermarket and it was completely empty. All goods were sold out! Was the end of the world coming? The next day I went to another supermarket and saw the queue - everyone was standing a meter away from each other, and that gave me chills. After the quarantine was officially announced, I still had to go to work. The vibe in the office was depressing. We were scared. When someone had a birthday, we congratulated them using an elbow instead of a hug, and that made me really sad. Trips, concerts, parties, meetings...everything was cancelled. Our normal existence was cancelled. The world closed. A week later I could already work from home, but I was still scared even though I was in theory safe home. I'm still scared. It would have probably been more fun to have real zombies, like in the movies ... To kill them and get it all over with.

I strongly believe that we deserve everything that is happening to us right now. Because we are selfish, we are consumers. Because we take what we have for granted. Because we are always in a hurry - we are in a hurry to get somewhere, we are in a hurry to eat, to fall in love, to throw everything away, to destroy. And suddenly some virus came out of nowhere to make us realize that life is not a sprint. We had forgotten what it was like to stay home, to spend time with our loved ones, to call those we care about, to read books, to have no plans. We realized how small and vulnerable we were, we realized that we need to take care of ourselves because we are connected to other seven billion people. We began to applaud the doctors from our balconies, those doctors who we used to call useless most of the time.

Without people on the streets, the nature is thriving. The planet is breathing. As we continue to deny climate change and our responsibility for it, we are doomed to be in a serious danger. This virus, invisible and silent, showed us how all the things we do have an effect, and no amount of money will protect us. We had to adjust immediately to live in a situation that would have been unthinkable just weeks ago. My great hope is that as we get out of this crisis, we will be more aware of our place on the planet, and how we can contribute to its well-being. When the world opens its doors to us again, when we are free again, we will appreciate more the little things, we will enjoy every moment as if it is the last one. We will meet for coffee again, we will dance again, we will get up early to pack our suitcases. We will touch each other again, we will hug, we will kiss. We will lie on the grass, laugh together, fall in love. But until that moment comes, let us fall in love with ourselves first.

By the day, we realize that this situation is likely to last longer than we have been told or most of us have anticipated. There are a lot of emotions that come with that - fear, anger, insecurity, despair, sadness ... I am seeing people feeling really apathetic, they lack motivation and find it difficult to get going, and there are others who are trying to be super productive. Many feel exhausted, drained, not only physically but also emotionally from having to process this every single day. I am somewhere in the middle - still very active and very emotional. My daily routine is exactly the same - I work from home, read, work out, write, dance ... the difference is that I do all that by myself. I noticed that the lockdown got people thinking they are chefs, bakers, gym instructors... Like we are watching "Lockdown got talent". Everyone is active on social media, trying to show how great they are doing, how positive they are, how we should come out of this situation as winners, not losers. During these difficult times, I realized who was always there for me, who was checking on me to see if I was okay, who was trying to cheer me up. But as much as I appreciate the effort, sometimes I just need to be sad and be allowed to do so. Without someone motivating me or judging me. I miss my friends, I miss dancing, carefree walks, hugging, human contact. Sometimes I feel like I miss people I don't even like. Well, yes, we're not in a civil war, but that doesn't make things any less scary or painful. There are days when I feel good. There are days when I just want to cry. And that's okay. Surely there are people whose world has crashed much faster than mine, but in my world, I have the right to mourn as much as I want. Without anyone pain-shaming me about it.

Many have never experienced real change and loss before, and for them this moment is stressful. And it is not our place to judge whether people should be happy or sad. Let us allow others to handle the situation as they see fit. Let's be human. Everybody is different. Everyone has the right to feel the way they feel. Whether it means fear and sad emotions, or not feeling guilty about enjoying the time off. Let's not compare our days with those of others. Let's just do everything we can to make ourselves feel good at this moment. Take a bath, read a book, watch a favorite movie, learn the foreign language you always wanted. Anything, without being judgmental. Right now we don't have to achieve anything. We just need to breathe and surrender. Let's try to make friends with ourselves. We'll get used to it, we will adapt. It's what humans do.

I have always thought that one of the hardest things you have to learn is how to love yourself. And I think right now is the time when we need it most. To be kind to others, but to be kind to ourselves too. To get to know ourselves, to be better people, to fall in love with ourselves, although we might not always consider ourselves worthy of love. And maybe, if we are lucky, we might meet someone special who will make us realize that happiness can be found even in times of coronavirus...